Mourning the death of a loved one — a child, a sibling, a parent, a relative, a friend — is difficult no matter the circumstances. But losing someone to homicide can be particularly traumatic, especially when no one is held accountable for their death. In St. Louis, where more than 1,000 homicides went unsolved in a decade, many families are left to rebuild their lives after tragedy.
Processing traumatic grief with peers can help people cut through difficult emotions, said Rachel Wamser, a clinical psychologist and complex trauma researcher at the University of Missouri – St. Louis. Wamser noted that peer support destigmatizes the vulnerability required to work through their feelings. Sharing with people who have had similar experiences can also be a helpful entry point for those reluctant to pursue more traditional forms of therapy, she added.
“Peer supports are really, really powerful because of individuals who are saying… ‘I’m on the other side of this. Let me help you,’” Wamser said. “It’s more of a front porch conversation, not something so intense.”
The Marshall Project – St. Louis asked six people whose children or siblings were victims of homicide in St. Louis what advice they would give to someone trying to grapple with the sudden death of a loved one. Here’s what they said helped the most — and the mistakes they wouldn’t make again:
Do take as long as you need to grieve.
Never let somebody make you feel that you have a time limit on grieving. –Erica J.
You heal in spurts. I tell people, it’s like a scab: What happens when the scab gets pulled off? It hurts, don’t it? It may not hurt as much as the initial pain, but it still hurts, and that’s the hurt that comes in waves … It could sting you all day, or some days, it just may itch. –Atif M.
A lot of times people look at the time: ‘Oh it’s been five years.’ But to us, it’s been five days. It never went away, it’s very fresh. –Ronda W.
Don’t bury or ignore your grief. And don’t blame yourself.
Don’t let nobody make you feel that your loss is unimportant. Don’t blame yourself. This is not your fault. Things happen. You did the best that you could as a mother, as a parent. It’s not you that created the situation. Don’t be afraid to say you’re not okay. –EJ.
There’s nothing you could feel that is not valid: shame, hurt, pain, anger, sadness. All of it… Allow yourself to feel each one of those feelings … because if you don’t, they will come like a wave, pouring in, all those emotions at once. –Maria M.
And remember the joy that they [your child] did give. Remember what it was to have them, to teach them, to show them — remember those things. Your child may have chosen to live a different life than what you had portrayed for them, but that doesn’t make you a bad parent. –EJ.
Do seek support from people who have been in your shoes.
When you lose somebody, it seems like your whole life just stopped. [But] there’s some help out there: support groups and people that really care, resources where people wouldn’t mind if that’s all you talked about for the next six months. Somewhere to go, people to meet up with, and just express how you feel because it’s a lot of anger, a lot of things that hurt, and you just want people to know, ‘Hey — I’m hurting inside. I need help. Somebody help me.’ –Monthane M-J.
In those first moments, I needed a hug. I needed somebody to grab me and hold me … A good support group for me, [what] matters is that people are going through what I’m going through, what I’m feeling, so they know. They know that the hugs, the phone calls, or even sending a letter through the mail makes you feel like nobody’s forgotten. –MMJ
To deal with the emotions, you need a support system. You want to get with a group that understands, a safe place that you can communicate and let it out. Alcohol’s got AA, well, we got GA: Grief Anonymous. You’ve got to get around people that have walked this walk and stepped those steps, so you can get on their heels and learn how to navigate grief. –AM
People start to treat you differently because they know you’re hurt. But the people that know how you feel, they just treat you like before. You have to get around other families that have been through this, people that can relate and feel your pain with you, and give you advice genuinely because they’re walking that walk. –AM
Don’t shy away from professional help.
There’s nothing wrong with talking to a therapist. Stop letting people tell you, ‘Oh, you’re crazy if you go talk to a therapist.’ No, you’re not. You definitely need a strong support person … If you don’t have a therapist, a counselor, a pastor who can be on the other end and give you those much-needed conversations or a listening ear, it’s going to be hard for you. –EJ
It’ll never get better, but you will have better days. And grief counseling is a good option to try. It helps some people, [so] at least give it a try, ‘cause you don’t know, it might help you. –Sabrina E.
Get in counseling. You have to reach out for help. You have to invest in your grief, and you have to invest in your healing of this grief. If you don’t invest in it, it’s going to ferment. You don’t know what it can grow into. It could grow negative, it could grow positive. It’s up to you to feed it, filter it, decipher it and then bring it out to the world. But if you don’t get any help in those avenues, mentally, you may spew out something that could affect another person. –AM
Do take steps to put your life back together. It’s okay if life isn’t the same as before.
You have to stop and reinvent yourself. The moment you lose that child, your life changes. You lost a piece of you. When you lose a piece of something, how do you fill that? You had a purpose, before someone was ripped out of your life. Now, how do you fill that void to find a new purpose in life? You have to rebuild yourself. –AM
Don’t make sudden financial decisions.
Sometimes people make bad decisions in traumatic situations that can cost them because of what we in the gun violence community call ‘vultures’ to your pain. There’s going to be a lot of people that will come in your midst while you’re in turmoil and going through a traumatic situation, [who] mean you no good. So, I would not make any hurry-up decisions. I wouldn’t make any financial decisions. I would pull back, go through the agony, go through the grief. –AM
Do carry their legacy forward. Whether through their children, or in your family and community.
It’s especially about not letting them die. Keep them alive. Talk about them. I don’t care if [others] don’t want to hear you talking about them, let them leave the room, but talk about them whenever you want. Hold onto the memories. –SE
Just because your child dies physically doesn’t mean that they have to die completely… start a foundation, start something to keep your child’s legacy alive. Those experiences of giving back to the community just a little bit can change a lot, and it doesn’t take much. –AM
I don’t know if healing is possible, but time certainly makes it somewhat bearable. It’s going to be seven years coming up, and I’m raising my grandsons, and just having them and being able to see my son in them two boys helps me a lot. –MMJ
Don’t give up.
Think about how much you still have left in you. If your child was a fighter, don’t just lay down and roll over and say it’s over. You have something to complete … so you have to fight. And you’re gonna have to continue to fight, ‘cause he or she wouldn’t want you to give up. –EJ
No matter how deep that ditch is, or that hole of despair, or that dark place, keep going. If you gotta crawl, keep going. Don’t just lay there. –MM
Do check out these resources to find more support.
The following is a list of peer support groups and trauma counseling for adults and children in the St. Louis area, all at no cost to families. It is not exhaustive, but rather includes organizations recommended directly by families who have lost children and siblings to homicide, either because they used these services themselves, or know someone who has.
The Marshall Project – St. Louis contacted each organization to confirm that the services provided and contact information are up-to-date as of 2025.
Chosen for Change: offers multiple peer support groups for families grieving the death of a loved one. To join, please fill out the form at this link, and check the box for “program participant.”
Groups include:
- Chosen Fathers (for men, including dads, uncles, grandfathers, etc.)
- Mothers of an Angel (for women, including mothers, aunts, grandmothers, etc.)
- COPES (for children, including sons, daughters, siblings, cousins, and friends)
- Cookies n’ Convo (therapist-led groups and 1-on-1 sessions for anyone)
Questions? Contact Cal Brown at [email protected]
Crime Victims Center: offers no-cost counseling and trauma therapy for anyone impacted by crime, ages 6 and up. Options include individual, couples, family, and group counseling, and can be in person or virtual. To learn more about services, click here.
To request counseling, fill out this form or call (314) 652-3623 anytime, select option 2, and leave a voicemail with your phone number and the best time to call back. If there is a wait for services, you will still have access to up to 3 introductory sessions.
Questions? Contact Peggy Tyson with questions about clinical services at [email protected] and Kat Cocivera with questions about kids and family services at [email protected]. Contact information for other staff members is available here.
Annie’s Hope — The Center for Grieving Kids: offers no-cost, donation-based grief services for kids, teens, and their families. Services include 8-week-long family support groups on weekday evenings, as well as summer camps and retreats for children and teens. You can learn more about programs or sign up using the application here.
For support, call 314-965-5015 to speak directly with our program staff, or email [email protected]
Questions? Contact program director Kaitlyn Paton at [email protected]
STL Mothers in Charge: offers grief support to women (mothers, grandmothers, aunts, etc.), as well as wraparound services including help with rent and groceries. To join, email Valerie Dent at [email protected]
Questions? Reach out to the group here, or call 314-524-9805.
